This is a testimony of God’s grace and love to me. I have decided to write after reading Grace’s article “Five loaves and two fishes” and “The power of praise changes things”.
I have always felt inferior to others and look upon myself as one with no accomplishes. I always feel that I can’t do much. I feel that everybody else can do more than me and can do better than me. To God, I feel as though I have nothing to give and I have no talents that I can use to serve Him. People I see around me have talents and have accomplishments and I envy. I always tell God that I am good at nothing and I can’t use anything to serve Him.
But God said to me that He will use my weakness to be my strength. 8 May was mother’s day; I was offered the job of planning and organizing this event in my church. I knew my strength was not on planning and organizing. I have not led big events before. I am not a front stage person, but with the encouragement of my leader, I took it up. I prayed and planned the event. There were many hiccups in the event and I started to feel incapable again. I felt small. I prayed and told God that I would give all I had for Him and His grace will see it through all, including my brothers- and-sisters-in-Christ who were involved.
Mother’s day came and we gave the performance and had a sumptuous lunch. I saw much laughter and smiles that day. I felt warmth in my church and I saw that many were touched. Mothers came to thank me. I know then, it was all by the grace of God. It was not my doing. I only gave Him all I had and He did the rest. I thank God for showing me that when I give Him every little that I have, He can use it for something greater. I also thank my sisters who have helped me in the planning and execution of various areas of the event. You all are mighty under the Hands of God!
Up till this stage, God has molded me a lot indeed. In the past 7 years, He molded me through many situations and lessons in life. I remembered in 2004, I prayed this prayer that God will teach me to love as Christ loves me. I could never imagine that this lesson took 7 years to be taught and in between were much tears and pains. There were many hard lessons and many things that I needed to put down.
The hardest lesson was from mid-2010 to the end of 2010. Many things happened in the 7 years including a cherished friendship of mine that had come to a stop. She was a close friend of mine, but because of many unhappy things and misunderstandings, abruptly she stopped contacting me in May 2010. Since then, I struggled to understand the situation I was in. I felt that as her friend, I did all I could to help, yet I was treated like that. She was overwhelmed with chagrin and felt that I could not do much more to help. I struggled with my emotions – guilt and anger. Few months later, I had a serious discussion with my mum and I ended up receiving hurtful words. I felt as though the burden and consequences of people’s actions and decision are on me and I had to carry it because no one else wanted to. It is as though the people closest to you broke a glass on the floor and you have to pick the shattered pieces slowly with your bare hands. No one was there to help you. Not even those who decided to break the glass.
I came to a point where I grew angry with God. I wanted to hate but God asked me to love. I wanted to give up but God asked me to come into His presence to rest. I wanted to be selfish and self seeking like others but God put in me unrest when I was disobedient to Him. I struggled.
Until one day, I gave up and told God, I surrender. He set three words in my heart and that was “pray”, “praise” and “thanksgiving”. He started to open my heart and eyes. Though, I was still struggling and everything that happened left a scar in my heart, I started to find rest in His presence as I praised and prayed as I found things to be thankful for each day. I started praising and I realized that I could worship God again. I started to praise and I found healing. I started to praise and I saw God holding me. I started to praise and I found joy which I l had lost a long time ago. It was not easy to start praising in all the pain, and when all my energy was drained. It was not easy to praise when ‘bad’ was all I see. But in the darkness, praise shines the light. Praise that comes from deep within, even in the darkest hour, It can be found.
Pray, praise and thanksgiving comes in order. Only when we pray and surrender, we find ourselves returning. Praise comes when we look to God even in the darkest hours. We see not, but our hearts are fixed onto Him. And when the light starts to shine peace and comfort, thanksgiving comes and we would want to pray more and praise more… beyond this, a cycle…
To Him who is able, be all glory!
Shadow of the cross
Testify to love
Be encouraged!
God bless and with love,
Anonymous
